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| hymns are SO beautiful. i'm really appreciating them more and more as i grow older.
i feel that everywhere, everyone is struggling so much right now. it tells me more and more how difficult it is just to wake up each day, in complete surrender to His Word, and to His promises. with 100% assurance that things will be okay. it's so crazy how hard it is to try and understand that everything is gonna be alright. it seems to go against every single thing in our nature. we're really very self-destructive.
i think the only thing that really helps me is knowing that God waits patiently in His mercy, not wanting anyone to perish. His patient love. it's the very thing that so many people need, and yet people continually go out of their way to find it somewhere else. how stubborn we are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the world is getting scarier and scarier. i listen to the news on the radio, and its really creepy what the world is becoming. so self absorbed, with the pretense of kindness and goodness and general welfare to all. i feel as though everyone tries to imitate kindness, but it can only be generated purely in a perfectly kind God. nowhere else. genuine kindness is only a reflection of God's own kindness.
i thought i was a democrat, but as i continually listen to conservatives on the radio, i think i'm becoming swayed by their arguments! i can be so easily swayed on certain issues!!!!! i jump on the band wagon all the time. i used to believe in universal healthcare, but now i'm not so sure as i'm listening to so many arguments on the radio and debates. all i know is that the government is scary. and left to our own devices, it's a surprise we're not all dead already.
i was really thinking about things, and i really do believe i'm a martha. i'm SUCH a martha. not a mary, but a martha definitely. it's hard for me to stop doing things and just patiently listen and appreciate. i'm always busying myself with the stupidest of things, with the most trivial issues! i'm a little picture person, and not really a big picture person!! i hate this about myself. i need to learn the bigger picture. to stop obsessing over such small things! to appreciate more, and not to busy myself with work, work, work! to stop, breathe, and remind myself of why i'm doing the things i'm doing.
i'm always being told to take a chill pill. to relax. to breathe.
breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
long breath.
deep breaths.
meaningful breaths.
maybe this is why running is so awesome. because you just learn to ... breathe.
taking it one day at a time.
"which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!"
that is true. what does worrying ever do but give you a big hunky headache after? and a lot of NEW worries you never even knew you had.
you just have to learn to take that time you would be worrying, and bring it to God.
What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.
it's just amazing how SPOT on that hymn is.
and the last stanza,
Blessed Savior, Thou hast promised Thou wilt all our burdens bear
May we ever, Lord, be bringing all to Thee in earnest prayer.
Soon in glory bright unclouded there will be no need for prayer
Rapture, praise and endless worship will be our sweet portion there.
amen, amen, and amen.
can't wait. can't wait. can't wait.
until then,
we've got a lot of work to do.
so let's do it.
let's stop complaining, and bickering, and judging, and moralizing, and just do what needs to be done. let's take care of what we're here to take care of. and let's let all the other things, any thing that will burn with the fire, go.
let's help each other, help each other. think simply. live simply.
help us Lord! to focus on what you want us to focus on. help us to stop being so divided, and focus on conquering and battling together, in unison, with the same desires, and the same accord. and to let go of all the things that are unpleasing to You. help us Lord! | | |
| my fingers smell like green onions!!!!!! pee-yew.
my memory's quickly dying. i keep forgetting if the stove's on, and if somethings cooking. i've already burned a lot of my mama's favorite pots. my sense of smell is dying too. i was RIGHT next to the burning today when my cousin was like yo, something's a burnin. and i was like... nothing's... OMG!!!!!!!!! the damage was done. he was shocked i couldn't smell it. i might have been distracted.
i have this realllllyyyy odd problem. when i tell myself "you're gonna lose this so put it away now." or "you're gonna forget, so do it now" or "it's gonna burn so stop it now" then i ALWAYS LOSE/FORGET/BURN!!!!!!!!!!!!! my mind can be so dumb sometimes.
whenever i drink a glass of water these days, i CANT HELP but think of the dang salt water cleansing i had to endure for my endoscopy. so now, i can't fully enjoy water, because in the back of my mind, i think of that nastay salt water experience. it has forever tainted my recollection of water. sad day indeed.
ever since my tutor kid's moved, there's always something wrong in the house. last time, the sink water wasn't running. the other time the toilet wouldn't flush. after i had peed mind you. there's nothing more embarrassing than being unable to flush your business. nothing. this time, the electricity was out. and every time i'm the one to mention that all of these things are not working. it's pretty strange how broken a house can be! i'm pretty used to guarantees. running water. the water flushing after i take care of business. the light turning on. today i had to pee in the dark, with a couple of candles on. i worry for the future of housing.
my shopping hiatus is slowly reaching desperation. every time i enter a store i am compelled to purchase something. if not for myself, then for the economy! that's just my own sense of justification. but i always keep my promises. not until december! until then, i'll be the girl in the potato sack.
i always go to this one car wash near my house, and i always vacuum up my car like no other. i spend about an hour vacuuming sometimes because i can be very meticulous. i think all of the workers know this, because one time, i didn't even notice, but they were ALL waiting for me to finish vacuuming so they could GO HOME! lol. so embarrassed. they were LITERALLY in their CAR, WITH THE ENGINE ON, waiting for me to clean out the coche so they could unplug the vacuum and JET. one time, their vacuums were not working. i was very sad. maybe they unplugged it on purpose bc they saw me coming. now whenever i go to the car wash, the worker always says "you can vacuum today."
.....
i can't believe it's already november!!!!! my gashhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
i feel like i had set so many goals for this year, but now i can't even remember ONE of them.
all the cliches are true.
time flies when you get older.
enjoy college while you can.
money makes the world go round.
mo money, mo problems.
a penny saved, is a penny earned.
friends get fewer and more intimate as you age.
post-college slump.
always a bridesmaid, never a bride.
if you wan to be successful(monetarily), you gotta be selfish.
mmmm i feel that.... age is education. college is beautiful, but past. money gives me a headache. unless i'm shopping. i'm still not counting my pennies. friendships are confused. post-college life can definitely be a bit of a slump. i will be bride someday! i dont like selfish people, no matter how successful they are.
i'm not sure where i am at this point, but i know it can only get ... more interesting. more exciting. i can only learn more. love more. laugh more. grieve more. time may be ticking, but i think i'll go at my own pace. however slow it is. considering i'm not a very slow person.
it's all relative under one big umbrella of absolute.
i miss my all my babies.
2009 is the year of the baby boom. boom boom pow for sure.
i crack up thinking of the proposal. go watch it please if you haven't seen it. too cute. the first movie i've thoroughly enjoyed in a while.
to the window.....
let's get them dancin shoes on.
i wish i could get free private dance class lessons! contemporary or hip hop or jazz. that would be amazing. just as amazing as it would be to get free sewing lessons, knitting, makeup, art, singing, writing, cooking classes. but the internet is so crazy these days you can learn everything online!
i should start learning one new thing every month.
ever since i finished anna karenina, i'm afraid to start any other book. dont think i'd enjoy it as much. so many books i haven't read on my shelf though. i should start on those before i go out and buy new ones. i think its time for a library card.
alrities.
november, please take your sweet, sweet time. | | |
| rethinking, replanning, revising, reworking, rehashing, repeating. rinse cycle all over again.
i am a failed perfectionist!!!!!!
i always reach for perfection, and always end up settling somewhere. probably due to laziness. or lack of carry through power. i've never been the ringer. the clutch. when all the balls are in my court, i'll usually walk over to the other side. that kind of power freaks me out. i'm not really good under pressure. i always stress myself out more than i need to. i dont like a lot of attention, even if i command a lot of attention. that sounds ironic, but "i am large, full of multitudes." seriously one of my favorite quotes ever. i'm really bad with memorizing things, little information in books, movies, t.v., bad with names, dates, titles, but that's one thing that always stuck from college. that and the quote by diedrich bonhoffeur. "where will the cost of discipleship lead those who follow it? what decisions and painful separations will it entail? we must take this question to HIM who alone knows The answer." i always have this on the back burner, b/c i know if there's no pain, there's no gain. i think what we believe to be sacrifices these days are not rightly called so. it's not sacrifice. it's convenience or inconvenience. i am a pessimistic optimist. i always believe in the 0.0001% chance of change. always. even if i dont show it. its in the back of my mind somewhere, floating around. i want things my way, unless people can do it better than my way. then i will move out of the way and give you the reigns. but never without some snickerin and bickerin in between. because i dont like letting go. if i could be anything in the world, it would be simple. because i am far from that! i envy easily, and compare, and make everything more difficult for myself! people make me sad, people make me mad, people make me happy, and then they go and make me mad or sad again. patience is what i continually struggle with. and 100% trust. i am a whirlwind. a tornado. quick moving and soaking up everything in my path and carrying it along inside me. i carry along everything, and its hard to just drop it off and move along with my life. maybe i'm a black hole then. i like it when people are well-mannered and when their manners extend beyond first impressions. when its deep rooted and sincere and not for a show. i dont like convictions without change, movement without perspiration, long speeches without follow through because i have little follow through, big convictions, and itsy bitsy change. i bite, i bite, i bite. i try to mean it for good, but know its meant for bad too. i am complex and sensitive, probably the worst of the worst! high maintenance in personality>materials. which is worse, i know and have heard multiple times. i criticize, i judge, and i put myself higher. and then i moan and then i cry and then i struggle with it thereafter. i rarely think before i speak, just as i rarely chew before i swallow. i am a feeling, thinking, perceiving machine. highly in tune with my emotions. probably carrying all the emotions for my family. they're all relatively calm people. i like it when my nose is cold and when my feet are cold. my friends call me crazy but there's a lot behind it. i dont like mean spirited strangers, and bitter old grumps. i'm always fascinated by extremely, genuinely, happy and 100% positive people. i like em and want to be like em. carefree people are fun to hang out with but not to grow old with. after a certain point in the day, i overthink everything. then the morning comes and everything is usually 20x's better. i dont like sleeping, but i like it when i'm in the middle of it. i love warm beds during cold winter nights. i love reading books that make it feel like you are reading your very own mind and body and soul. i appreciate loss and gain. i grieve over trivialities. i cry when i'm angry overworked frustrated or used. but i'm okay with all these things if i feel appreciated. i always think about the future, and but i'm always set to the present. i never know where time has gone. i run because i like the wind. only when i'm running with it and not against it. and only when i'm running. not any other time really unless i'm indoors. i try to convince myself that i'm a stay at home kind of person but i go crazy after a couple of hours at home. if i skip meals i overeat the next ones. i'm always thinking about food while i'm eating food. i'm liking quality over quantity these days. i'm liking heart versus pretense. hard work over laziness. reading over t.v. the bible is new to me everyday. i relearn basic fundamentals every day. i fear and need accountability because it might lead to something thats not genuine or real but forced and begrudged. i wish i liked roller coasters and adrenaline but i hate it altogether. and renounce it everyday. anything can be beautiful. anyone can be beautiful. personality always counts. character always counts. consistency is always always always duly noted in my book. i build up arguments for myself. i like listening to angry people on the radio because its funny and i can see myself in these exact situations and find the ridiculousness of it all. anger always tells me something. kindness always shuts me up. i am longwinded, i huff and puff and want to give it all up but dont really want to. i love life and i find it a constant struggle to love in life. i want to be flooded in love, in joy, and in peace. and only when i am deeply rooted, can this ever be. reminding myself daily of what needs to be done, and walking with Him hand in hand. this is the only time i can ever find that 0.0001% chance that everything's gonna be all right. that we're in His hands. that its time to let go and to let it flow.
let go actively. let it flow passively. | | |
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